my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
