my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
