He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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