also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
