I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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