So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
