you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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