I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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