i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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