Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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