Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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