Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
