If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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