We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
