Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
