WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
