Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
