If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
