you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
