Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
