he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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