I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
