Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
