You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
