last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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