She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
