My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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