omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
