I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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