You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
