she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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