Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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