I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
