party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
