he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
