I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
