Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My dick has a subreddit
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
