is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
