hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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