someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
