I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
