Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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