i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
