At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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