Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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