I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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