i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did I show you my penis last night?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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