Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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