my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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