Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
