Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
