The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
