This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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