About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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