Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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